Missouri: Of rock bridges and giant hillbillies

July 6:  Missouri


Family Status Updates (in two words or less)
Dad: "Lotsa fun!"
Mom: "Ditto."
Meagan: "Missouri great!"
Matt: "Kit-ten!"
Me: "Matt's weird!"


4 a.m. came a lot faster than it should have Friday morning.

The road through Indiana and Illinois was a blur for me since I spent the entire time drifting in and out of consciousness, but I finally woke up for good just outside of St. Louis. Maybe it was my subconscious telling me that we were getting close to our first stop. Maybe - more likely - it was my body preparing me for the imminent threats of gang violence.


Regardless, we hopped off the interstate and parked on the shoulder of the road next to our first official stop on Route 66:  The Old Chain of Rocks Bridge.

There are stinky port-o-potties behind this cool, rustic sign. No, seriously.

It's an old bridge (now pedestrian-only) over the Mississippi River that runs back to the Illinois border. Apparently, there was a big campaign back in the day to save the bridge from destruction, and now names of donors inscribed on plaques adorn the railings of the structure.


We were happy to get out and stretch our legs after four hours of driving (or sleeping, in my case). As soon as we got to the bridge, we ran into two British men also making the trip down Route 66. Naturally, I loved them immediately, and we probably ruined any chances of being ambassadors of America by creepily telling that we would probably see them at other stops down the road. 

Matt and Dad at an old gas pump. Dad's...eating the gas?

Matt and Meagan. Meagan's...eating Matt? My family is strange.

The bridge itself offered a beautiful view of the Mississippi River and the St. Louis skyline. Pieces of Route 66 history were sprinkled throughout.

After stalking the British men at a safe distance for a little while longer, we turned around and headed back to the van (which was still parked on the shoulder of a fairly busy highway). 

Back on the road and heading through the outskirts of St. Louis, when this exchange occurred:

Meagan (referencing the East St. Louis neighborhoods): "It's shady here."

Dad:  "My cousin Slim lives here."

Then my 59-year-old father proceeded to throw up a cross between a gang sign and the American Sign Language "I Love You" symbol. He's hood.


The rest of our trek through Missouri consisted mostly of stopping at the gaudy "World's Largest (fill in the blank)..." that could be found on the side of the road. I guess Missouri ran out of things to do after the bridge but wanted to keep travelers entertained somehow. They're things we typically wouldn't stop at since we like to avoid tourist traps, but this trip is unlike any other we've taken, so we decided to indulge ourselves.


Plus, we had a handy book about Route 66 that my family has been following like the Bible. The book points out quirky points of interest along the way, including several "GIANT ALERTS!" I think the author was a little liberal with what qualified as a "giant." While something like the World's Largest Rocking Chair (pictured below) was, indeed, large, other suggestions like "THE GIANT DRIPPING NEON FAUCET OF SPLENDOR AND GLORY" turned out just to be a dinky, mid-sized neon business sign with a meh-sized faucet on top.


Our first stop was the World's Largest Rocking Chair, which is exactly what it sounds like. For those of you still struggling with a visual:

"Oooh! Now I get it!"

Then we ventured inside our first "outpost" next door to the chair, and was greeted with wall-to-wall *ahem* decor:

Bambi?

We then proceeded to see a giant neon dripping faucet, The World's Largest Hillbilly and a giant frog made of painted rocks. By a stroke of unlucky fate, we somehow missed The Giant Fiberglass Cheeseburger Family. 

This stubborn hillbilly will NOT rotate, sorry. But his arms spin in circles, if that's any consolation.

It was while Meagan's face was buried inside that Route 66 book that she revealed a previously unknown fear:

Meagan (reading): "Feral...hogs. Oh my God, if I see a feral hog I am going to lose my life. Feral cats are one thing, but feral HOGS?!?!"

Good to know, sister.

Our next stop was a welcome breath of normalcy amidst the giant hillbillies and hamburger families:  a winery. Now we're talking.

Mmmm.

Dad, Mom, Meagan and I sampled some of southwestern Missouri's finest grapes (and they were fine. The winery won some sort of national award a few years back), while woefully-underage Matt hung out at the sparkling grape juice counter. Meagan and I walked away with bottles of blueberry wine, which I might have to chug later on in this trip if things begin to go sour.

Back on the road and our stomachs rumbling (somehow, the wine samples and oyster crackers didn't quite satiate anyone's hunger), we tried to find some sort of rest stop for a picnic. Turns out Missouri hates rest stops, so we ended up pulling over on the side of the road and standing there awkwardly with plastic plates full of chicken, fruit and vegetables while locals passed by and laughed because a real rest stop was probably two miles up the road.

What? This is how we ALWAYS picnic!

We were stopped at the "Devil's Elbow," which none of us could really figure out because the place didn't look too much like any part of Satan's anatomy. If anything, it was a pretty view. 

More like Devil's....femur? I don't know.

Then it was back in the car again, with no stops nor any more quote-ables from my family. We got to our hotel in Joplin, Mo., two hours ahead of schedule, which allowed for two hours of laying face-down on our beds and not moving.

We went to dinner at a local sports bar, which was a mix between Kansas City Chief and Oklahoma Sooners apparel. The owner talked football with us and said, as a Chiefs fan, he hated seeing Peyton go to the Broncos. We shared a moment of silence before tearing into our burgers.

Then it was back to the hotel, putting in ear plugs to drown out Meagan's snoring and falling asleep to Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets on ABC.

Everyone's alive after Day 1! Oklahoma and Texas await us for Day 2!